Why Is Florida So Weird?

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Everyone knows that Carl Hiassen and HuffPost Weird News put Florida on the weird map.

*puts on tweed hat* “Ah, yes, HuffPost Weird News. This thing I just learned exists today. Although that might be because I don’t read unpaid clickbait ‘volunteer’ pieces run for millions in profit for a union-busting gadfly.”

But its insanity is missing its own show, one that seeks to answer how Florida brought us the violent naked pooping masturbator; why people are still, to this day, eating each other’s faces; and what weapons Floridians use to make love.

*begins gesticulating with pipe in hand* “‘Why is Florida so weird?’ Well, 15 years ago, Drew Curtis’ Fark.com caught fire as an entertaining daily news-of-the-weird aggregator, and it had as its first state-specific tag a FLORIDA tag years before adding Ohio. For a generation of content-farming online journalists reared by the internet, Florida’s weirdness is a long established confirmation-bias phenomenon that gets re-fed into the machine by those perceptually warped by it, regurgitating the meme until it just becomes tautological barf.

lol, Florida is sure weird just because it is. Hey, check out this Weird Florida piece we found. It’s about a guy on drugs doing something dumb. Hahaha wouldn’t see someone taking drugs in New York City. And get this sexual deviant story posted stat. Can’t wait to make those yokels in LA go wowsers at this one!

Maybe an influx of the crazy elderly, idle rich and opportunistic poor (the latter including immigrants, drug mules and tax cheats) from all 50 states slightly ups the layers of oddity—and maybe it’s intensified by the many sparsely populated rural counties and more remote small municipalities where virtually anything out of the ordinary can run in the paper as news, thus reinjecting fuel into the cycle—but that’s probably not it. In all likelihood Florida is no weirder per capita than any other state; you’re just too fucking lazy to look anywhere else and too fucking stupid to figure that out…” *trails off talking in a murmur while still eyerolling and making a constant jerkoff motion*

EDIT: To include this observation from Tim Marchman:

Someone Posted This French-Horned Butt Pic on My Facebook

Here are all the replies, with names removed for career purposes:

- This is so French horny.

- Is this how ultrasounds are made?

- Trumpet of the Swank Magazine

- You can do better. I feel like euphonium it in now.

Are you saying that joke fell flat?

I coronet comment at this time as to whether or not I thought you blew. BTW, is this pic from Brassers.com?

- Hornpub.

- Redtuba.

I look forward to seeing all these comments as an original piece on Buzzfeed tomorrow.

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A Haters’ Guide to Deleted Scenes

Last night I wrote a haters’ guide to the NBA Finals. If you’re a serious fan, it’s probably wholly unnecessary, because you already hate so many things so much. But if you’re a casual fan, I hope it’s of help to you. Popping into a championship series and figuring out who to root for is tough, especially since most rooting requires a passion for something, which, really, is work. Having a passion against something is easy, and having a passion for just being against things in general is even easier. Hence, my column. Go read it.

However, an editor felt that this paragraph in its original form did not work. Why, I don’t understand. So the cut scene is here:

The Coaches

No coach in the NBA is more boned than Erik Spoelstra. There’s his last name, which is virtually an anagram of “Olestra,” the anal-seepage-causing chip additive whose reference has fueled a thousand jokes from every Twitter wag whose only comedy lodestar is the Seth MacFarlane commandment to Remember The 90s.

I think he thought the observation went too far afield, but—his being a good guy aside—I also think he missed the point. Because it’s a haters’ guide, and sometimes other detestable things get in the field of fire. Like Seth MacFarlane, who sucks. And his fans, still riding hard for anal-seepage jokes. It behooves us, even if it takes half an extra breath, to reaffirm as a society that things that suck shit do, in fact, still suck shit.

Hello, yes, thank you.

EXPLAINER: How To Wipe Your Own Ass

(assume a literacy death-march of animated gifs begins here)

HENRY BLODGET: “I had heard that people do it, and it sounded amazing, so I tried it, and I might try it again. Here is the Wikipedia article for ‘ass (disambiguation).’”

MATT YGLESIAS: “First, have your valet Bishwas pull down your lavender-and-saffron Brooks boxers and seat you on the toilet. After expelling your après-Chipotle, have him apply a freshly laundered kitten to the despoiled area. Different people have different jobs, and that’s okay.”

BENNY JOHNSON:I still don’t know how.”

A high-concept political remake of ‘Airplane!’

Only the actual airplane is called The Liberty, and all the panicky passengers are Fox News commentators, and they keep grabbing their stomachs and saying, “We’ve been hijacked! We’re going to crash!” and then a nice black passenger is like, “Excuse me, Stewardess, I speak White Jive,” and tells the guys, “Be quiet, inside-job yourself!” and it’s such a good idea that they all agree to shoot the black guy with a large-caliber gun and the bullet goes through the plane window, and they all turn into blood-oatmeal getting sucked out a 6”x10” panel on the side of the plane just before it gets shot down by the IDF because they just kinda felt like it.