(assume a literacy death-march of animated gifs begins here)
MATT YGLESIAS: “First, have your valet Bishwas pull down your lavender-and-saffron Brooks boxers and seat you on the toilet. After expelling your après-Chipotle, have him apply a freshly laundered kitten to the despoiled area. Different people have different jobs, and that’s okay.”
BENNY JOHNSON: “I still don’t know how.”
Only the actual airplane is called The Liberty, and all the panicky passengers are Fox News commentators, and they keep grabbing their stomachs and saying, “We’ve been hijacked! We’re going to crash!” and then a nice black passenger is like, “Excuse me, Stewardess, I speak White Jive,” and tells the guys, “Be quiet, inside-job yourself!” and it’s such a good idea that they all agree to shoot the black guy with a large-caliber gun and the bullet goes through the plane window, and they all turn into blood-oatmeal getting sucked out a 6”x10” panel on the side of the plane just before it gets shot down by the IDF because they just kinda felt like it.
But it hasn’t been perfect. I keep feeling like people are missing the boat on some real journalistic gimmes.
For instance, the other day, Rob Ford denied harassing a staffer about eating her pussy by “wittily” telling his accusers, “I have plenty to eat at home.” You’d think that alone was bad enough, but you’d be wrong. That’s just the first of the one-two, and everyone missed on part two.
Because any Toronto tabloid or alt weekly worth its salt should have immediately laid out the headline, “ROB FORD SAYS WIFE HAS FAT PUSSY.”
Because Rob Ford deserves to get beaten up at home too.
"In Washington, D.C., feminist Ti-Grace Atkinson, speaking at Catholic University, speculated over whether the Blessed Virgin Mary had been ‘knocked up.’ Enraged, William F. Buckley’s sister Patricia raced onto the stage and started assaulting her…. In New Mexico, in the rugged town of Ruidoso… barefoot Nancy Crowe Tapper and bearded Paul Edward Green, both of suburban Wheaton, Marlyand, were a young couple living together without benefit of clergy. The town was well sick of hippies; Paul was arrested for falling afoul of Ruidoso’s rarely enforced 125-year-old ‘lewd cohabitation’ law. The statutory punishment for a first offense was supposed to be a verbal warning. The judge… gave him thirty days instead. Paul didn’t take his confinement particularly seriously; when given a chance to call a lawyer, he allegedly ambled away from the jailhouse. The second of two ‘warning shots’ caught him in the back of the head. They said the hippie was running, yet Green had recently been injured and could barely walk. Charges were never pressed against the officer. This was only the latest in an epidemic of hippie lynchings in New Mexico: the nineteen-year-old heroin addict shot while handcuffed behind the back (ruled justifiable homicide) in Santa Fe; the sixteen-year-old girl who passed a bad check shot by a storekeeper in the parking lot (no charges filed) in Albuquerque; communes razed, vans dynamited—young people, the Washington Post reported on January 16, 1972, ‘beaten, raped, and killed.’”
— Nixonland, 588
EXT: Daytime. A prairie.
CASSIUS STRONGBOW is holding the barrel of the 12-shooter to the head of WHITE THIEF #1.
MY NAME IS SIOUX. HOW DO YOU DO? NOW YOU’RE GONNA DIE.
STRONGBOW looks for approval at his white traveling companion, PALEFACE JAMES BROWN. PALEFACE nods.
Good. Now let’s blow up America.
Shot rings out. Golden Earring’s “Bullet Hits the Bone” begins playing as camera pulls back to space to see continent consumed by fire in reverse course of Manifest Destiny.
Starring: John Saxon…