February 2011
79 posts
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Thanks for calling, incubator...
On 1/17/2011 during one of the editorial portions of [The Delilah Show], Delilah advised girls currently pregnant via “assault” (rape) that if they did not have feelings of love towards the fetus, they should put it up for adoption because “God was borrowing their womb for nine months” so that a non-fertile couple could have a child.
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I HAVE PERSONALLY RECORDED EVERY SECOND OF 'THE...
That’s right: 75 uninterrupted hours of nationally syndicated radio disc jockey Delilah Rene peering deep into people’s souls—into the intimacy of parenting, the thrill of romance and the abyss of suffering—then selecting the most sublime and fitting 3-5 minutes of pop-musical uplift that speaks both directly to them in their moment of greatest need and to the heights to which their...
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TV News Showing Grieving People Gathered in a...
Oh, it’s actually just high-schoolers having an assembly to mourn some redneck girl classmate who got thrown from and trampled by a bull. Thank God it wasn’t any more of that Barhain—Bahrain? Bharain? whatever, who cares—shit.
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Revolting Italian restaurant serving "preemie...
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You have to have an enormous set of balls to make...
I mean, beyond the set of balls it takes to let the audience actually see what the author looks like and hear what he sounds like, which in James Patterson’s case is like watching a statue of Mitch McConnell made out of chins slowly emitting helium while complaining.
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Wife now watching reality medical shows only. The...
They cut her open!
She is being tortured!
Just like old country!
Just like Turk!
EDIT: A different doctor has just been handed her patient’s severed arm. The patient was attacked by a dude with a scimitar at the bus stop.
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People explaining why a new Radiohead album is...
You don’t even need to understand what the words mean. Trying too hard is its own language.
Dressed myself in a white robe and stood...
Some white dudes beat the shit out of me and stole it. (The car, not the CD. They made a point of taking that out and throwing it at me.)
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2Pacman ain't dead. Homeboy ate a peach, now he...
*flashes 1Up sign to sky*
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I just got my CSI badge for Boy Scouts!
All I had to do was peel tape off the carpet in a room full of blue.
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*walks into ward of hydrocephalic kids and starts...
I'm a falcon in real life, but I cosplay as a man...
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I named my moped 'Ragnarok' because technically I...
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Can someone please point me to a Tumblr page...
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Kind of ironic that when Neil Shawarmstrong set...
No bowl, stick! Stick!
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If my life were like a movie, you could see that I...
His name is Patty Lupine, and he is the only Tony Award-winning wolf, and also he’s really deadly and could totally pay back all the people who mess with me.
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Grey's Anatomy could instantly become the best...
I guess they could CGI him so he was bipedal and walked upright in a white coat, but the important part would be to have him just walk into a room and make a diagnosis or something, and nobody would say anything about because, hey, what’s the big deal? He’s a shark doctor, just like all the other shark doctors across the country. He can never break a bone, and he has a much wider range...
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What if everyone in WWI had to wear those sneakers...
Some Captain would be like, “To the cloud!” and they’d all run into a fog of mustard gas and all you could see would be their little heels lighting up, and then they’d disappear, until someone dug them out of a pile and put them in the Honor Coffins that they won by being so jolly good.
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Ed Begley Jr. Is Pretty Much the Best Ed Begley
Seriously, if you prefer another one you’re pretty much retarded.
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In my shot-for-shot remake of 'Inception'...
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'Banana hammock, Ho Chi Minh / You thick dictator,...
First two lines from the chorus of my new hit song, “I’ve Fallen for the Communists.”
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Thanks to the internet definition of cool, I have...
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George Costanza's 'A Day in the Life'
I read the news today. Ohhhhhhhh boy.
Whoaboy, Jerry!
Have I read the news.
I am… a news reader!
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'The Chicago Code' is a great show. It's gritty....
Pinched a nerve in my neck so badly that I wrapped...
On the upside, now rockin’ the post-suicide attempt Maestro Salieri neckware vibe.
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How Is Dale Earnhardt Like America?
Years ago he took a sharp right turn and ended up in flames, and their deaths are both mourned on bumper stickers.
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Hahaha remember when Andrew Breitbart tried to...
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Curriculum at American University Now Just...
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Crip Leader Relates Moving Story About Getting...
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Probably should have thought more about my...
She seems strangely hostile to MLA style.
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Designing a new series of tools to compete with...
They’re called CLUMSY IDIOT, and they’re all hammers of varied, inexact size and shape.
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Standing imperiously over small package of takeout...
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Man at library computer muttering "hang the DJ...
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BRB, typing "Who Is John Galt?" into the AskJeeves...
Look here, butler (parasite), we’re gonna get this shit straight once and for all.
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So far I'm the only member of my Facebook group...
Pretty sure it’s a total guarantee I get in on some GILF action.
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The Fact That I Am Drying My Hair with a Popcorn...
Although between a low coffee table and the popper’s convenient downflow hood, I can ensure a warm and moisture-free crotch while vigorously microblogging.
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Customer Support Lady at Good Vibrations Getting...
Testily suggested “I dropped it into my bucket of popcorn, and there was movie-theater butter in it” did not meet the criteria for a crisis.
Jubilant Egyptians Exclaim 'Ibis Ibis Jackal...
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It's probably a lot more difficult to be a ghost...
Because if you’re absentminded, then you can misplace your ghost junk inside a couch or a wall or something, and it’s a lot harder to find it.
Dame Judi Dench is Jessica Marple in "Appointment...
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It's kind of an average show, but I have to...
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Just once I want them to pull an ace pitcher and...
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OK, uh, wow, so apparently dressing up as 8...
But I dress up as a single fat black guy and walk down the street arguing with myself and an imaginary rabbit I call Br’er Fuckhole, and apparently that just makes me some crazed racist.
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Wailing Walls: The Slow Death of a Fat Failed...
General Ze’evi weighs in on the events in Cairo, the terminal fate of the expected Mubarak dynasty, and how Newsweek clown Fareed Zakaria can’t stop flattering strongmen just as this not-yet revolution has fulfilled America’s decades-long demands for change in the Arab world.
The Mubaraks are finished, and have been for over a week. The pharaohs of ancient Egypt thought they...
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Star Trek novelist bathing in self-satisfaction at...
Also running virtually zero risk that his readership will ever catch on.
Kadima Hardison Unilaterally Withdraws from Having...
However, he will not rule out a future coalition partnership with either Lisa Bonet or Jasmine Guy because damn.
