April 2011
17 posts
2 tags
I wept for hours when I found out Dave Halberstam...
Apr 29th
1 tag
Apr 29th
1 note
Apr 28th
4 notes
2 tags
I'm going to name my son JD Power.
Then when he gets some friends, I will refer to all of them as JD Power and Associates, and I’ll get him one of those Mattel cars that have a battery motor and a plastic body, and I’ll make him drive around our front yard in circles and tell me how it really “hugs the garage.” Also, his mother will be dead.
Apr 28th
12 notes
2 tags
Just downloaded an album from this group Dave...
It’s amazing. You have no idea how fast these guys can be banal and effete. They’re like: chug chugga-chug chugga-chug chugga-chug chugga-chug chuh chug-chug meeleewhaaaaa And then the lead singer’s all, “I’m a pussy.”
Apr 26th
4 notes
2 tags
Good nutrition's given you some longball, but...
And that unintelligibility you’ve tried not at all to shed: pure Dominican. What is your father, dear? Is he a middle reliever? Does he stink of the glove? You know how quickly the scouts found you, those tedious workouts in the backs of yards, while you could only dream of getting out… getting to the show… getting all the way home to score an Arr… Bee.. Eye.
Apr 25th
2 notes
1 tag
The Sunsetter Retractable awning is like some...
You just install it and stand back and watch how much it awns. It’s unfreakinbelievable, am I right? Goddamn.
Apr 25th
6 notes
2 tags
Dolemite to Condemn Rat-Soup-Eatin Honkey...
No-business, jock-jawed motherfuckers on the Born-Insecurity Council about to meet the Total Experience because Dolemite is on the dais and the scene.
Apr 21st
1 note
2 tags
My Life Is Pretty Much Like the 'Boys of Summer'...
I’m awesome and own sunglasses, and I make love to a beautiful lady near a beach. Like, a lot. Really the only difference is the lack of crippling loneliness or the black-and-white stuff. Also, there aren’t any dudes jumping up and down in perfect symmetry in front of a volleyball net. There’s one guy, but I just sort of walk around him and act like I just got a call on my cell...
Apr 21st
2 notes
3 tags
Imagine how many fewer copies of Atlas Shrugged...
“Ah, excuse me, I would like to buy one copy of the book about the conspiracy of a collective of rich people who destroy America because they ‘know better.’ The one by the Russian Jew, yes.”
Apr 21st
68 notes
my spirit animal is a liquor store
Apr 21st
10 notes
7 tags
Alan Greenspan's 15 Tips for Picking Up...
The fact is, a movie event like the premiere of Atlas Shrugged: Part I should provide a plush panoply of primo pussy for the (re)producer on the prowl, and it’s only a matter of a few tips and tricks to make sure you take this cinematic cash-bash and leverage it into a gash-bash. I’m not from the government, and I’m here to help. Here are 15 tips to get you invested up in her...
Apr 18th
2 notes
7 tags
How to Score While Seeing Atlas Shrugged
Last Friday, The Atlasphere (the Ayn Rand-fan singles website) sent me an email with some keen ideas on how to use the premiere of Atlas Shrugged: Part I to band together under the aegis of Ayn Rand and subsume my identity to nationwide collective action. It also had suggestions for pulling mad trim. Because if a movie version of a yam-shaped old Russian woman’s brick-sized verbal...
Apr 18th
6 notes
4 tags
Rick Scott Can't Stop Doing You Favors
Two days ago, Rick Scott claimed he helped avert the shutdown of the federal government. It’s funny for two reasons, beyond the obvious fact that it’s a boast so comically disproportionate to reality that even the kid on the elementary school playground who says he had sex and that his dad is a spy and an NFL player wouldn’t even touch it. One, this claim represents Scott...
Apr 13th
2 notes
2 tags
In 1972 a crack cholo unit was sent to their...
These vatos promptly escaped from a group photo to the Glendale Galleria. Today, still expected to take care of their little brother Hector after school and before their sister comes home from her shift at the hospital, they survive on a diet of Krispy Kreme and ride the bus. If you have a hairnet, if no one else can help, and if you drive an El Camino that can fit most of them in back, except for...
Apr 13th
8 notes
2 tags
Apr 7th
37 notes
2 tags
I have memorized the end rap from REM's 'Radio...
I’m like: Check it out What are you saying What are you playing Who are you obeying Day out day in? Baby, baby, baby, baby That stuff is driving me crazy DJs communicate to the masses Sex and violent classes Now our children grow up prisoners All their lives radio listeners During the whole song, I’m like popping and locking that shit, like some kinda dopeass Herbie...
Apr 5th
5 notes