May 2011
31 posts
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'Hi, do you have any coffee whitener?'
‘Do you mean creamer?’
‘No, coffee whitener. I’d like the flavor to remain identical to coffee, but I would like its color to change to that of an apparently unrelated beverage.’
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Facebook Status Update Glurge About War Is Even...
The American flag does not fly because the wind moves past it. The American flag flies from the last breath of each military member who has died protecting it. American soldiers don’t fight because they hate what’s in front of them; they fight because they love what’s behind them.” Re-Post this if you Support your Troops!!!
The American flag flies because someone hoists...
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Parents Need to Get Their Priorities Straight
Surveys of parents with young children repeatedly show that American moms and dads have extremely unrealistic appraisals of the potential threats to their children. Routinely topping lists of perceived dangers are:
Kidnapping
School shootings
Terror attacks
‘Strangers’
Drugs
However, if national injury and death statistics are any indicator, they would do well to focus their...
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I'm so stoked for this Natalie Merchant-Ivory...
Not only does it push “pretty” and “meaningless” via two media, but there’s nothing that gets me more amped than white people feeling sorry for themselves that they’ve got to go on holiday.
Unless it’s a white lady trying to sing like Billie Holiday.
Guys Bowling as 'Wall Pole' and 'Pit' Offended to...
Fans of double-entendre just looking to get out of personal palmerston, discover a panty-peeler and get into a fox. Get real: pussy is Eden, a temple and the home for major boner law.
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Airbrush, bikini—1993 was a very good year for my...
Tthat was the year we found out that the sarong doesn’t cover every nipple. Thank God. Maxim?—not invented for years yet. it may not be breaking new ground, but it’s breaking my zipper. Oh, yeah, the nostalgia jerk.
The penis is the most spiritual thing in the world, because even memory can uplift it.
The Most Amazing Things I've Ever Seen
(listed in order of importance)
The Grand Canyon
Venice
Yosemite
Women
Barry Bonds’ 2004 OPS.
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Hey, get outta the pool. Who do you think you...
— Dad yelling at pop-culturally ignorant six-year-old.
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Watching porn stars trying to act like wealthy...
Nothing demonstrates the concept of class like a stripper wearing an evening gown like a hairshirt and close-fistedly stabbing her fork, with revulsion, at some horrifyingly foreign clod of food.
So long as you could guarantee there’d be no obvious awkward boner moments, watching six hours of Cinemax with Paul Fussell would probably be the greatest thing in the universe.
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Had another typical Mayan date tonight.
Girl was one katun old. Picked her up in a Jaguar and took her out for corn, manioc and beans. At the end of the night, I gave her some action on the ball court. Then I beheaded her.
Whole thing cost me a c-note. Threw her body in a cenote, too.
Bring back bear-baiting.
Only this time we’ll do it with small homophobic straight guys taunting and jeering at a huge hairy gay dude until he goes crazy and starts whaling on them. I don’t have a stake in it one way or the other, but he can do it with his dick if he wants. It’s his event, after all.
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I'm never getting into the NASCAR Hall of Fame,...
(RIP Dale.)
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Hey, here's a free goldmine for you, ESPN:
1. Line up a hot chick sabermetrician to appear regularly on Baseball Tonight.
2. Start an ad campaign about “ESPN Baseball: Your Best Friend.”
3. Start promoting the girl sabermetrician to The Cars’ “Best Friend’s Girl,” and whenever the line “I kinda like the way she dips” comes up, flash: “DIPS: DEFENSE INDEPENDENT PITCHING...
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When John Pierpont Samsonite pioneered the wheeled...
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My wife is portraying Goody Proctor Silex in an...
It’s actually the same script as Miller’s The Crucible, but it’s also a postmodern meditation on commodification and product placement, as each actor has to wear a giant papier-mâché Pyrex crucible around his waist (available at Sears).
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And Now, a Public Service Announcement for...
Did Astronaut Gus Grissom eat pussy?
You bet he did.
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Brazzers.com presents, 'Guadalc Anal: A Porn...
Starring John Seeda as First-Class Privates John Basiloneye.
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I'm an adjunct professor of lovemaking down at the...
The Learning Annex is my nickname for your girlfriend.
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When people I know run into me at Taco Bell, I...
You have to be careful, though, or someone can make you. People start using your real name, the Taco Bosses know your family. You gotta make a scene, throw the attention onto somebody else. Confront whoever’s in your face. Be all, “Oh, you wanna give me a blowjob, Lady?” Then push her shit off her tray. People will be so stunned when you do it that they won’t even see you...
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One day I will grow up to write dialogue for...
Dey weal all haff ubvious accent, bit because Aye em bat writer, dey weal all spick wit, how you say, Americanski idiom. Like, say,
I come to here uff de boat, and I ken not get good job. It is sex of wan, haff dozen of other. But a bird een hand, as dey say. I em batting one-tousand.
Da! Da! Is good, is good!
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Twitter Ephemera: Bin Laden's Dead—A Whole GWOT'a...
A collection of tweets as news broke about Bin Laden’s death, like:
• Let the word go forth from this time and place: if you are an international terrorist, you won’t get away with it for more than 17 years.
• It will only take us 9 years & 4 months & about $4 trillion in international conflicts & intelligence actions, but we’ll EVENTUALLY END YOU.
• Holy shit, all...
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One time my life flashed before my eyes, but all I...
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Where Have You Gone, Glendolyn Beck? Joe Farah...
World Net Daily publisher Joe Farah knows that lie aren’t bad things of themselves but rather the levers that pinheaded little journalistic shits use to hoist themselves out of the ground and spoil the sunlight with their presence. Lies are things decent people feel that it’s sometimes necessary to tell, to effect positive change that will save America, because it’s the only way...
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My French film is about an old fat woman who...
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GOOFS: Ski School (1990)
Continuity: During a bedroom scene, Victoria drops her bra on the floor twice.
Continuity: In more than one scene the cast is standing around, talking, carrying skis, etc. outside the base lodge. You can see leaves on the green trees in the background. It’s not winter, not even close.
Audio/visual unsynchronized: When Johnny approaches Reid for the interview, a member of Section 1 and...
This is just between you and me, smashed hat.
