August 2011
41 posts
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“Since the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, the NYPD has become one of the...”
– Whoo Bloomberg for president (via pareene)
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I'm thankful when New York style pizza places let...
Like when the words in parentheses by “PIZZA” let you know that it’s pronounced “ah-beets,” because apparently all Italians in this world are mush-mouthed, Sicilian-descended Jersey-based trash.
“What would I like? Oh, sure thing, let me just look at the menu again. Ummmm, I’ll have the… uh, the AH-BEETS. But do you think I can get that topped with...
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Planned Bob Balaban Ban Panned
“We must have more Balabans!” demand Balaban clan.
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Some Thoughts About How Much Mothra Sucks
1. Strictly speaking, Mothra was kind of a pussy.
2. Mothra didn’t have anything cool, like fire-breath.
3. National Deet Dispersal Program. Come on.
4. Why didn’t the people of Japan just make a barge full of flammable material, set it on a heading north, then turn out all the lights in Japan? Mothra would have followed it and then frozen to death in the arctic.
5. Japan could...
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Fuck You, Warren Buffett
“Stop Coddling the Super Rich.” It’s about time someone said it. More touching still was the admission that many of The Super Rich are actually nice people. Whew! So many of us simply assumed, given every observable action ever, that they were sociopaths who owe as much of their success to cruelty and aggression as to insight and performance. We thought they — non-national,...
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Drinking Helmets
One little test I used to do was on a Monday morning when we’d meet the host, I would ask the host if he would be interested in doing a sketch called “The William Holden Drinking Helmet.” I would always gauge by their reaction, because poor Bill Holden had fallen and cracked his head open and bled to death. So I always thought, if they laughed at that at least, I knew it would...
Overzealous localvore will only eat sister's...
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Everything Was So Raven And Nothing Hurt
ladymisskate:
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pardon our dust: confessions of a senior english... →
bapeonion:
murasakidoku:
bapeonion:
im writing a paper about jack kerouac and i really hope that by writing about his ass one more time i’ll cure myself of my boyish idolization of kerouac and allow myself to move on to better more interesting works and authors
i have a bunch of lesser-read kerouac books that i bought only because…
white guilt always came off as superbly pretentious to...
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“You have to question a cinematic culture which preaches artistic expression, and...”
– Ryan Gosling, actor and feminist, in a letter protesting the NC-17 rating of Blue Valentine. The rating was based on one consensual sex scene. (via snowstorminjuly) (via blaisingfeminist)
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It would have been cool if the ship's counselor on...
So, like, every week, she’s still single and doing yoga with Dr. Crusher. Then that week’s diplomat comes on board for some kind of summit, and she thinks he’s handsome, but of course she can read his feelings, which are something like, “Goddamn, Stardate: Help Me, I’m currently circling the Pockmarked Planet of the Wad of Cottage Cheese system.”
She’d...
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Telling people that your favorite book is 'Atlas...
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Restrain from cruelty and receive no admiration:... →
badparsiqueer:
THERE ARE SOME THINGS I CAN HANDLE
I can handle you messing up geography and claiming that a point is a mile away from two things that it cannot physically be a mile away from
I can handle that for some reason you had a bunch of white cops have a family reunion so far down on the southeast side…
Hahaha so apparently Jim Butcher is not only a terrible writer but also a...
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The Republican Party is now so unrepentantly evil...
The 96% of the people who read this will not have...
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A Complete Glossary of Mark Teixeira Facial...
• Happy.
• Peeing.
• Incensed.
• Hitler.
• Worried.
• That man is an immigrant.
• Full diaper.
• Wealthy.
• Nude John Kruk.
• Puzzled.
• A poor person is too close to my mailbox.
• Fuck you.
• Concerned.
• Bedazzled.
• It should be illegal for people to dent your car when you drive into them.
• Wistful.
• Tantrum.
• Pensive.
• Me-wanty.
• Boners
• Free agency.
• Is there...
Fuck Yeah! Nancy Grace Monster Jams: More Tweets... →
fuckyeahnancygracemonsterjams:
If you’re reading this site, it’s not secret that Nancy Grave is not only a personal hero and a great ballplayer but also someone I consider a friend. Unfortunately, Nancy hasn’t had the time to write back on Twitter yet, but I understand that she’s got a crazy schedule. Until then, please enjoy…
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Miranda July Is Fucking Terrible
If yesterday you were given a magic lamp and forced to conjure Miranda July into existence, you would have asked the genie for a Diablo Cody who tries ten times as hard to say something even shallower than her current body of work. July, like Cody (who also shares the distinction of having a fake name that immediately makes you think, “Holy shit, what an obviously contrived name”),...
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Let's take an oral history of an ill-fated...
Then we’ll replace a few key terms:
“The Studio” with “The Guards.”
“Grosses” with “Nazis.”
And any name of the production with “Auschwitz.”
Then let’s see how many terminally self-centered rich people making millions of dollars in their chosen career are invariably just a few nouns short of coming off like puling...
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They named a video game after you. It's called...
It’s an FPS (Fat Pimple Shooter).
Nobody who touches it can actually win.
It’s the only video game written by David Cronenberg from your middle school essay on what you did over the summer.
L. Brent Bozell endorsed it, and it comes with his certificate of authenticity.
The guy with the high score is someone who refused to open his eyes when he was led into a room it was standing...
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Reddit, Its OK when I make racist jokes.
Here is a picture of my black friend from when I was growing up. *an imgur link to a still of Donald Faison on Scrubs #r/whiterights
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Hey Reddit! I saw a sad homeless man today and I...
So here is a photo of that homeless guy with a brand new copy of Pokemon Blue! You’re Welcome! #r/savingtheworldSo here is a photo of that homeless guy with a brand new copy of Pokemon Blue! You’re Welcome! #r/savingtheworld
Let's start calling an extra fat rail of blow a...
We’ll have to get a little careful about verbs—because nobody wants to go in a room to blow Federlines or even rail a Federline—but otherwise it’s the perfect marriage of concept and form.
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Sean Connery's the most frightening thing you...
I mean, there you are, sitting in the dark, and the credits are doing their
duh-duh duh-duh duh
duh-duh duh-duh duh
dah! dah! dah!
wah wah wah wah wah wah
thing, while that hand has a glowing finger bone, and a guy’s head screams and then goes all sideways and kinda Gumby on him, and that weird snail thing in a hood gets a huge face boner made out of snot, and then, out of the blue:
...
