A high school strategy guide that was circulated and edited by a wise clique has made its way to the internet. Follow this walkthrough to make high school the easiest four years of your life. (Note: As most campuses have no speed limit for foot traffic, it’s possible, using this guide, to finish high school in three years.)
I have used pretty much every drug that I’ve seen or researched on Erowid (there’s a few I’ve either not been able to acquire or just decided wasn’t worth the trouble or health risks). So when I finally went to rehab in September 2008 just before hurricane Ike, my answer to the most frequently asked question when you get put inside a drug rehab (“What’s your drug of choice?”) was “Well what have you got?”. Another addict by the name of Lane Staley said the same thing in the song “Junkhead” performed by his band Alice In Chains.
Have you ever wanted to know what it was like to watch football in the 1920s? Just turn on a Big 10 game and coat the black players in corn starch.
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* — From irritable sometime-contributor Rigamarock.
Because then it would be, “What? Toby is just a name. Why would that refer to anything? Sounds like you’re the one who’s crazy. And do we even know if it was dark out? Maybe he needed something to help him see where he was going, and then he was attacked by my asshole. Anyway, you can keep posting all the photos of this happening to me, but I’m not going to change my mind until I see some proof.”
The 71-year-old veteran member of the House of Representatives takes with him 31 of the remaining 33 vertebrae in the Democratic Party.
I wrote this and everything.
By Mobutu Sese Seko
Even if one wants to feel a genial non-interfering positivity or salutary indifference toward Tim Tebow and his “testimony,” the frequency and intensity with which it’s invoked by NFL Network and ESPN makes it intolerable. By week 14, Skip Bayless will be berating some poor Archbishop about their “beatification bias.”
This really isn’t Tebow’s fault. He’s said the right things, and provided a few crude but undeniably dramatic end-of-game moments. But he keeps getting cajoled into testifying, and his faith is the kind that leads him to relate the same story about his performance over and over with a kind of guileless sincerity. It might make you a little sick to your stomach because the media keeps re-administering the dose, but it itself isn’t toxic.
It is a little dumb, however. Last night, Rich Eisen dismissed Tebow’s replacement-level 9/20 completions for 104 yards, saying, “We’ve reached the point where we should stop mentioning [Tebow’s] stat line.” This wasn’t for any great repetition of the facts; instead, the NFL Network seemed positively allergic to discussing Tebow within the parameters of his actual job.
This meme, of journalists describing elected officials (or, nonsensically, municipalities) as moving to dismantle these protests because their “patience wore thin” is particularly irksome. Because, and any competent editor/reporter should know this, the right to peaceably assemble isn’t subject to the “patience” of an elected official. To describe it this way is to accept that citizens are allowed in any public space only at the sufferance of their government, and at least for now in the U.S., that simply isn’t true.
(Police Oust Occupy Wall Street Protesters at Zuccotti Park - NYTimes.com)
Particularly interesting to see are Aphex Twin’s Drukqs and Public Enemy’s It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back. However, what’s far more interesting is seeing all the albums obviously influential on her music that aren’t there, like:
Metal Machine Music
The Sounds of Apes Throwing Their Feces
Suspension Bridge in a Hurricane
Dumb Fey Art Bullshit
Steel Beam Stress Testing
Airplane Terror Sex of a Thousand Ratlike Dogs
Guantanamo Detainee Soundbox
The Wilhelm Screamager
Banshee & Him
All of these inspirational antecedents can be heard on her new album, Go Fuck Yourself.
CHEKHOV: Sir… it was Kahane. We picked him up on Ceti Alpha Five… He put… creatures… in our bodies… to control our minds. He made us… say lies… do things. He said there were no Arabs on Ceti Alpha Five… He thought he controlled us, but he did not.
(CHEKHOV rises and clutches desperately at his ears as he lets out an inhuman scream. His body crumples to the floor as blood and Benjamin Netanyahu pour from his ear. KIRK hands NETANYAHU a $3 billion check for annual aid grants.)
KIRK: Mr. Spock, open a channel. Ahmadinejad will pay for this.
That might suggest that Michael Bloomberg’s attitude toward repeatedly demonstrated facts is an indifference to things that disagree with ideology. As the founder of Bloomberg, that casts a negative light on the product it offers. Unless the purpose of “Bloomberg: Business & Financial News” is “Business & Financial News That You Want to Hear.”
O, Titan—O, Superman! It’s not your fault!
I know what you’re thinking: “I didn’t know that theme had any words.”
It doesn’t. He just stands up there and vamps for three minutes. He wins the contest every week. That’s how good he is.
A tight-lipped Theo Epstein drops Carlos Marmol in The Dude Bill Smith’s bath. “Nice Marmol,” he says & trades every prospect with a 400+ OBP. 11 hours ago via TweetDeck
“All The Dude wanted… was some closers….” - Bill Smith getting knocked out of playoff contention. 10 hours ago via TweetDeck
(Inside the Boston front office…)
SEAMAN JONES: Club, owner! Crazy Asshole!
CHERINGTON: What’s goin’ on?
SEAMAN JONES: Larry Lucchino sometimes stops suddenly to see if his employees are behind him. We call it, “Crazy Asshole.” The only thing you can do is go dead. Shut your mouth down and make like a hole in the conversation.
CHERINGTON: So what’s the catch?
SEAMAN JONES: The catch is, a crowd of flunkies doesn’t exactly stop on a dime… and if we’re too close, we’ll drift right into the back of him.
CHERINGTON: Into his asshole.
SEAMAN JONES: Yeah.
CHERINGTON: That’s crazy.
SEAMAN JONES: Yes, that’s what Theo thought.
CHERINGTON: So that’s why he wore the gorilla suit.
SEAMAN JONES: He did, until Larry began stopping more often.
(Note: this list may or may not have been written by a girl Mark Sanchez met on Omegle.com.)
1. He has his own van.
2. He can shave.
3. He doesn’t have a curfew.
4. Something about football or something, I was kinda drunk.
5. He has ID.
Bright lights can confuse John Tortorella’s offspring.
Once a year, John Tortorella lays anywhere from 50-200 eggs on the beach, brushing sand over them with his powerful flippers. The sun then heats the sand, incubating the eggs. When the time is right, baby Tortorellas hatch and make their way to the sea.
However, each baby Tortorella uses the light of the moon reflecting on the water to guide him or her into safely into the sea. Beach homeowners who use bright halogen lights on their back patios and decks can confuse Tortorellas, leading them away from safety and into the path of predators.
It is because of our interference that the Tortorella is currently endangered.
5. Have him stand by a fence and berate “Wilson” for having no idea what he’s talking about, then the camera travels over the fence and reveals Ralph Wilson, standing in mute, shaken dignity, a solitary tear finally falling off the tip of a fluttered eyelid.
4. All three of his TV sons stand behind him looking quiet and bloated and weird—like you could take them to any strip club in a state like Nebraska and have them tell you, within $5, the cost of each sexual act on both the official and unofficial menus.
3. Al Michaels in heavy flannel and a fake beard.
2. Just three straight minutes of him faceplanted into the dirt, his ass in the air, pushing himself along the ground like a human adze, trying to snort the entire sideline like a snitching, coke-dealing sack of crap.
1. Have him plug in 15 different electrical cords, at which point the roof of the Metrodome collapses.
★★★★★
We saw this movie today, and thought it was terrific. the stars were not real famous, but everything about the movie was very, very entertaining. I just dont understand why they say part 1. Is there going to be a part 2. I never read the book, unfortunately, but will do so. Is there going to be a sequel or part 2. If anybody knows, please e-mail me at twinkeys2@yahoo.com.
14 out of 14 members found this review helpful
Yep, nothing says peaceably trying to take the reins of power back from a captive moneyed-interest government and restoring it to the people like clownishly dressing as a murderer who tried to explode the entire fucking parliament building and the king to bring a cabal of wealthy Catholic peers to power and let them fleece the government by handing out favors and dispensations.
Ahahahaha I’m gonna go back to laughing at pictures of teapartiers protesting universal healthcare in defense of Medicare. Talk about idiots! Mixed messages much?
barack obama has publicly stated that he believes angels have NO effect on the outcome of our call of duty black ops matches
Even odder was that I did it to get him to stop tormenting a girl I met at a journalism conference on the day Kurt Cobain died and haven’t seen since.
Cupid, take off her clothes
And let anything go
Into my lover’s butt, from me
— Stand-up comedy intro track on a nerdcore album.
I can see this playing out 5 ways, all of which will come true:
1. Epstein moves to Chicago, taking the Cubs to their first series victory since 1908, breaking the Curse of the Bambino, the Curse of the Billy Goat, and becoming the greatest general manager since Branch Rickey, Omar Minaya or Brian Sabean.
2. The Red Sox repeat their post-2002 offer to Billy Beane, who gets the band back together with all those people who were assembled into the 10-foot-tall Jonah Hill from the Moneyball movie. Beane & Co. proceed to win two more titles, cashing in big, leading to their retirement and:
3. The Red Sox ownership, figuring they’re playing with house money with four titles in two decades, under two different GMs, name a black man as Beane’s successor. Boston immediately burns to the ground.
4. Brian Cashman retires and opens a sex club called the KOROVA MILF BAR.
5. Beane and Epstein take their collected winnings from the Red Sox and the Cubs, buy the A’s, move them offshore into a crazy baseball community like that Randroid Paypal whackjob and create the Freedom A’s of Libertopia, choose which league to join at the beginning of every year and quickly dash off five consecutive World Series Championships. Every player who attempts to declare for free agency is kidnaped by pirates, which is fully legal.
