‘Dear Mobutu Sese Seko, I am outraged by your treatment of Whitney Houston.’

As a rule, Americans’ grasp of African history isn’t too hot. Still, it’s depressing to see strangers rush to the defense of dead celebrities because no amount of joking—however deliberately absurd—is forgivable or in anything other than poor taste; meanwhile, they’re talking to someone who claims to be a person who tortured and executed political rivals in sports arenas.

It’s like registering your objections by beginning, “Dear Joseph Stalin: I am sickened by your attitude toward Joe Paterno’s legacy. This proves your contempt for human life.” I mean, really, have some perspective.

Every time you reblog some sexy story from history that can be easily disproved by a trip to Wikipedia, somebody oughtta open palm-slap you across your slack jaw until there’s a dinging sound and a 1-coin bonus appears over your head.

Facebook Status Update Glurge About War Is Even Better Than Email Glurge About War Sent by Your Racist Grandmother

The American flag does not fly because the wind moves past it. The American flag flies from the last breath of each military member who has died protecting it. American soldiers don’t fight because they hate what’s in front of them; they fight because they love what’s behind them.” Re-Post this if you Support your Troops!!!

The American flag flies because someone hoists it up a chain. The United States is free because of being bound on two sides by a combined 9,000 miles of ocean and the logistical or economic inability of its enemies to eliminate that distance throughout its history. Some soldiers fight because of the flags above them and people behind them; many many others fight because homeboys GET PAID and because the enemy is systematically dehumanized to instill fear and a sense of justice in murdering him, otherwise the very concept of purposeful killing is anathematized — and our totally bomb-ass 30:1 kill ratio in the GWOT (not counting civilians) is in jeopardy.

Think of a soldier today, assuming Marines presenting the colors before and during every baseball game, car magnets, military recruitment ads, truck ads, political speech boilerplate, bumper stickers, FOX News, email forwards, heroic TV movies about totally true shit like the story of Private Jessica Lynch, Hollywood blockbusters, print media and sanctimonious sanitized contempt for non-American human life the other 364 days of the year escaped you.

Repost this on your page if you’ve ever read a history book not written by someone who hosts a TV show.

Latimer takes your old lady for a ride on Space Mountain.

“To play the man, Master Ridley, you gotta beat the man! Today we’re gonna light such a fire under your ass, by God, WOOOO! In the middle of the ring, it’s gonna be the greatest NITRO ever!”