This list is comprehensive, just not to the naked eye.
1. Pixies, “Hey”
2. Whatever noise Faith No More was making in “Das Schützenfest”
3. The ironic-rock “Huh” from Cake in “Rock and Roll Lifestyle”
4. Master P. doing anything. Like, laundry and shit.
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.
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500. Of Monsters and Men, “Little Talks”
I will be more than happy to have to listen to her music in private, in public, and in film soundtracks for the next 20 years, so long as she doesn’t start doing weird, awful shit—like, say, anything Madonna’s done since 1990 or so.
Seriously: you want to write 20 years of soul ballads, I am totally on board.
You want to write how you feel, how you feel, how you feel like you just got home and you feel and you feel and you feeeeeeee-eeeeeeee-uuuuuuuh-uh-uh-oh-waaaaauuuuugh or something? DO NOT RECORD THAT SHIT.
If you’re having a transcendental learning experience from the huffy, shitty-wine-pimp who fronts Tool, you’re worse than someone who doesn’t even read.
Particularly interesting to see are Aphex Twin’s Drukqs and Public Enemy’s It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back. However, what’s far more interesting is seeing all the albums obviously influential on her music that aren’t there, like:
Metal Machine Music
The Sounds of Apes Throwing Their Feces
Suspension Bridge in a Hurricane
Dumb Fey Art Bullshit
Steel Beam Stress Testing
Airplane Terror Sex of a Thousand Ratlike Dogs
Guantanamo Detainee Soundbox
The Wilhelm Screamager
Banshee & Him
All of these inspirational antecedents can be heard on her new album, Go Fuck Yourself.
I know what you’re thinking: “I didn’t know that theme had any words.”
It doesn’t. He just stands up there and vamps for three minutes. He wins the contest every week. That’s how good he is.
I mean, there you are, sitting in the dark, and the credits are doing their
duh-duh duh-duh duh
duh-duh duh-duh duh
dah! dah! dah!
wah wah wah wah wah wah
thing, while that hand has a glowing finger bone, and a guy’s head screams and then goes all sideways and kinda Gumby on him, and that weird snail thing in a hood gets a huge face boner made out of snot, and then, out of the blue:
“Ach! What’sh thish? Paranorrrmal Ocktivity?
Eh, errrr, government deniesh nollech.”
1. Hire a vice-president of human resources with the last name Chu.
2. Hire tons of interns with the last name Frampton.
3. When you’re done individually welcoming them to the company, bring each one to the Chu guy and a huge fucking gorilla wearing a collar that says “ASSISTANT HR DIRECTOR.” Then say, “Now it’s time for your orientation tour. Who do you want to show you the way?”
4. (Optional) Do something cool with your iPod.
Not only does it push “pretty” and “meaningless” via two media, but there’s nothing that gets me more amped than white people feeling sorry for themselves that they’ve got to go on holiday.
Unless it’s a white lady trying to sing like Billie Holiday.
It’s amazing. You have no idea how fast these guys can be banal and effete.
They’re like:
chug chugga-chug chugga-chug
chugga-chug chugga-chug
chuh chug-chug
meeleewhaaaaa
And then the lead singer’s all, “I’m a pussy.”
I’m awesome and own sunglasses, and I make love to a beautiful lady near a beach. Like, a lot.
Really the only difference is the lack of crippling loneliness or the black-and-white stuff. Also, there aren’t any dudes jumping up and down in perfect symmetry in front of a volleyball net. There’s one guy, but I just sort of walk around him and act like I just got a call on my cell phone or something.
And there used to be a kid downstairs who didn’t make eye contact and kept up a fucking flawless beat, but I called and reported him to DCFS, so problem solved.
