Here’s a complete summary of all the ‘Prometheus’-related nerd rage online.

This movie was literally a love letter to butt cancer crafted by AIDS and printed out onto celluloid Hitlers—except for Fassbender, and Noomi Rapace and Charlize Theron’s butts. (I mention them as a pro-feminist and cisgendered friend to feminism.)

If you watch this batshit cuntnugget in a room without joy in your heart, its concentrated turd murder of the human mind, cinema, screenwriting and everything I’ve learned from my college intro film course will make you commit suicide by putting your ticket stub up your dickhole.

And dumbing down a creation story with Christian themes? Jesus Christ on a cracker, nice try, Lucas, but no sale. Thank Dawkins I choose logic.