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BREAKING: Cubs Talk to Red Sox GM Theo Epstein

I can see this playing out 5 ways, all of which will come true:

1. Epstein moves to Chicago, taking the Cubs to their first series victory since 1908, breaking the Curse of the Bambino, the Curse of the Billy Goat, and becoming the greatest general manager since Branch Rickey, Omar Minaya or Brian Sabean.

2. The Red Sox repeat their post-2002 offer to Billy Beane, who gets the band back together with all those people who were assembled into the 10-foot-tall Jonah Hill from the Moneyball movie. Beane & Co. proceed to win two more titles, cashing in big, leading to their retirement and:

3. The Red Sox ownership, figuring they’re playing with house money with four titles in two decades, under two different GMs, name a black man as Beane’s successor. Boston immediately burns to the ground.

4. Brian Cashman retires and opens a sex club called the KOROVA MILF BAR.

5. Beane and Epstein take their collected winnings from the Red Sox and the Cubs, buy the A’s, move them offshore into a crazy baseball community like that Randroid Paypal whackjob and create the Freedom A’s of Libertopia, choose which league to join at the beginning of every year and quickly dash off five consecutive World Series Championships. Every player who attempts to declare for free agency is kidnaped by pirates, which is fully legal.