BREAKING: Cubs Talk to Red Sox GM Theo Epstein

I can see this playing out 5 ways, all of which will come true:

1. Epstein moves to Chicago, taking the Cubs to their first series victory since 1908, breaking the Curse of the Bambino, the Curse of the Billy Goat, and becoming the greatest general manager since Branch Rickey, Omar Minaya or Brian Sabean.

2. The Red Sox repeat their post-2002 offer to Billy Beane, who gets the band back together with all those people who were assembled into the 10-foot-tall Jonah Hill from the Moneyball movie. Beane & Co. proceed to win two more titles, cashing in big, leading to their retirement and:

3. The Red Sox ownership, figuring they’re playing with house money with four titles in two decades, under two different GMs, name a black man as Beane’s successor. Boston immediately burns to the ground.

4. Brian Cashman retires and opens a sex club called the KOROVA MILF BAR.

5. Beane and Epstein take their collected winnings from the Red Sox and the Cubs, buy the A’s, move them offshore into a crazy baseball community like that Randroid Paypal whackjob and create the Freedom A’s of Libertopia, choose which league to join at the beginning of every year and quickly dash off five consecutive World Series Championships. Every player who attempts to declare for free agency is kidnaped by pirates, which is fully legal.

Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox on the 2011 season!

At least they didn’t do anything stupid in the long-term, like spending $142 million on a designated fielder who can’t hit lefties, has had only two decent seasons hitting for power, sulks about the batting order but won’t hit leadoff, refuses to play centerfield, occupies leftfield with a giant wall that greatly diminishes his value and will be getting thrown out at first and second on his dead legs for the last three years of his contract.

And thank God they’re not on the hook for three more years of John Lackey for $45,750,000.00.

They talk about Lightning Hands. The great Casey Stengel used to refer to James Toledo, the leftfielder for the Cincinnati Reds and the founder of Ohio, “Lightning Hands.” Well, Yankee’s manager Joe Girardi should think about calling Robinson Cano “Langerhans,” because he hits so smoothly and effortlessly, almost like with languor, and also because he is a pancreatic gland that produces endocrine.

They talk about Lightning Hands. The great Casey Stengel used to refer to James Toledo, the leftfielder for the Cincinnati Reds and the founder of Ohio, “Lightning Hands.” Well, Yankee’s manager Joe Girardi should think about calling Robinson Cano “Langerhans,” because he hits so smoothly and effortlessly, almost like with languor, and also because he is a pancreatic gland that produces endocrine.

A Complete Glossary of Mark Teixeira Facial Expressions

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  Happy.

  Peeing.

Incensed.

Hitler.

Worried.

That man is an immigrant.

Full diaper.

Wealthy.

Nude John Kruk.

Puzzled.

A poor person is too close to my mailbox.

Fuck you.

Concerned.

Bedazzled.

It should be illegal for people to dent your car when you drive into them.

Wistful.

Tantrum.

Pensive.

Me-wanty.

Boners

Free agency.

 Is there any way you could not have your face when I have to look at you?

 Dingers.

 Checks.

Remorseful.

 Brony.

 Cash.

Joy.

• Restoring America.

• Caturday.

 A bunch of cavorting, naked dudes.

Hey, here’s a free goldmine for you, ESPN:

1. Line up a hot chick sabermetrician to appear regularly on Baseball Tonight.

2. Start an ad campaign about “ESPN Baseball: Your Best Friend.”

3. Start promoting the girl sabermetrician to The Cars’ “Best Friend’s Girl,” and whenever the line “I kinda like the way she dips” comes up, flash: “DIPS: DEFENSE INDEPENDENT PITCHING STATISTICS.”

4. Have her murder John Kruk.

5. Every baseball nerd in America will watch your show.

Good nutrition’s given you some longball, but you’re not more than one generation from Triple-A trash, are you, Starlin Castro?

And that unintelligibility you’ve tried not at all to shed: pure Dominican. What is your father, dear? Is he a middle reliever? Does he stink of the glove?

You know how quickly the scouts found you, those tedious workouts in the backs of yards, while you could only dream of getting out… getting to the show… getting all the way home to score an Arr… Bee.. Eye.

A Century of Despair Doesn’t Make You Interesting

The enduring palliative of the Cubs fan is that baseball needs the Cubs fan, celebrates the Cubs fan and is metaphysically enriched for being proximate to the Cubs fan. The Cubs fan is a narcissistic boor.

This history of the last year in which the Cubs earned a championship not only tweaks the volubly agonized Cubs fan but also describes a baseball world lost to the ages. It’s violent, controversial, stupid and totally, totally baseball.

It’s totally worth reading.