5. Have him stand by a fence and berate “Wilson” for having no idea what he’s talking about, then the camera travels over the fence and reveals Ralph Wilson, standing in mute, shaken dignity, a solitary tear finally falling off the tip of a fluttered eyelid.
4. All three of his TV sons stand behind him looking quiet and bloated and weird—like you could take them to any strip club in a state like Nebraska and have them tell you, within $5, the cost of each sexual act on both the official and unofficial menus.
3. Al Michaels in heavy flannel and a fake beard.
2. Just three straight minutes of him faceplanted into the dirt, his ass in the air, pushing himself along the ground like a human adze, trying to snort the entire sideline like a snitching, coke-dealing sack of crap.
1. Have him plug in 15 different electrical cords, at which point the roof of the Metrodome collapses.