Some Thoughts About How Much Mothra Sucks

1. Strictly speaking, Mothra was kind of a pussy.

2. Mothra didn’t have anything cool, like fire-breath.

3. National Deet Dispersal Program. Come on. 

4. Why didn’t the people of Japan just make a barge full of flammable material, set it on a heading north, then turn out all the lights in Japan? Mothra would have followed it and then frozen to death in the arctic.

5. Japan could have just used a giant electrified skyscraper and settled his hash.

6. I bet there’s erotic anime fan art of Mothra having sex with those tiny twin girls who went “Ma La La!” or whatever.

Facebook Status Update Glurge About War Is Even Better Than Email Glurge About War Sent by Your Racist Grandmother

The American flag does not fly because the wind moves past it. The American flag flies from the last breath of each military member who has died protecting it. American soldiers don’t fight because they hate what’s in front of them; they fight because they love what’s behind them.” Re-Post this if you Support your Troops!!!

The American flag flies because someone hoists it up a chain. The United States is free because of being bound on two sides by a combined 9,000 miles of ocean and the logistical or economic inability of its enemies to eliminate that distance throughout its history. Some soldiers fight because of the flags above them and people behind them; many many others fight because homeboys GET PAID and because the enemy is systematically dehumanized to instill fear and a sense of justice in murdering him, otherwise the very concept of purposeful killing is anathematized — and our totally bomb-ass 30:1 kill ratio in the GWOT (not counting civilians) is in jeopardy.

Think of a soldier today, assuming Marines presenting the colors before and during every baseball game, car magnets, military recruitment ads, truck ads, political speech boilerplate, bumper stickers, FOX News, email forwards, heroic TV movies about totally true shit like the story of Private Jessica Lynch, Hollywood blockbusters, print media and sanctimonious sanitized contempt for non-American human life the other 364 days of the year escaped you.

Repost this on your page if you’ve ever read a history book not written by someone who hosts a TV show.

‘Freshjive 1, this is Mossimo Station of the Ocean Pacific Defense Grid, please respond.’

‘Freshjive 1, you are about to enter our airspace and initiate quicksilver defense protocol, please respond…

‘Freshjive 1, if you do not respond, we are authorized to go weapons hot…

‘Freshjive 1, unless we hear the clear code from you, we will be forced to blow you into the north face of a mountain, and whatever bits of you they find, they’re gonna send back to your mamma in a body glove.’

— Excerpt from my 1988 screenplay, Bogus Wars.

What if everyone in WWI had to wear those sneakers that light up in the back?

Some Captain would be like, “To the cloud!” and they’d all run into a fog of mustard gas and all you could see would be their little heels lighting up, and then they’d disappear, until someone dug them out of a pile and put them in the Honor Coffins that they won by being so jolly good.

Woke from dream set to “You Raise Me Up” where I beat a vending machine selling Pvt. Jessica Lynch’s underwear because it stole my money.